H

I noe the truth..
But i regretted for asking.. i wish to noe, but now i regret.. how cum?
I didn't cry immediately after i heard it..But I cried hope to feel better, n telling myself it's over... but some of those words I know it won't over..
I noe i will encounter it 1 day, but i nvr noe it came in so quickly..
If i duno, maybe i can still lied to myself..
Anyway, im not gona blame u or me or any human..
at this moment, i might not be able to say dun tink den dun tink.. if i say can, im feelingless n im lying..
as i say, i wil jz not think bout it.. hopefuly you cn make me dun tink bout it.. hopefullly..

i dun wana ask, explain or express to u anymore, because the words and result u r goin to gv me, will still be the same..I noe what it is gona be.
at the same time, i dun wana make any difference in both of us.. i jus wan it to be like how we 1st got together.. but im still curious, how can u get attracted to me huh when thr's still stg around...

Honestly, the 1st month together, i felt it's the happiest moment i ever had.. n that is the time, i noe what love is all about. Sincerely, im happy during the 1st month.. i felt like , sum1 completely understand me, sum1 completely care about me, n completely noe what i want exactly.. during the hols, no matter how hard , we'll still meet up.. I miss those days although it's dangerous and quite challenging.. im hoping for those days once again..

However,as day gone by, i've learnt that, nothing is permanent in this world. nothing can be always the same.. Life is full of changes.. I can slowly feel the changes from the people around me, from the things that i've seen.. n in us..
Eventhough if it's changing, i hope that it's the least wan.. Bcoz i hate changes.. but no matter how i wish it will not change, it will still change.. im speechless..

Not that i wana force you to forget, but bcoz im afraid tht 1 day, when i put so much love on you, you will eventually leave me... I do not know whether the day will come or not as i couldn't predict what will happen in the future.. Im afraid tht i couldnt bear with it at tht time.. n thr's the reason y i said normal friends... I noe u might dun like it n make u tired as what u told me...
i am sorry for making u like that..

yes,sumtimes, i nvr think for you, b4 i talk.. i noe i hurt ppl, bt i oni realise oweys after i talk.
i didn't plan or think before i talk..i just open my mouth n start to shoot. i dun feel like thinkin or planning b4 i talk, bcoz i feel so no life la this kind of thing.. like saying script lk dat, so stupid lk cheater.. memang wana say that sentence wan, but scare to say, so plan b4 talk lk dat ahh.. eeyer..
I rdy work hard on thinking b4 talking since form 5, but i still lk tht ar, no cure wan.. what to do?

The fast n simple thinking budak lk me, oweys thinks that love is simple.. i thought love is as though only the both of us...
But now, she feels that it can be complicated at times..
Thanks for willing to tell me the truth.. n bcoz of the truth, it helps to build up a stronger me... I fell down ezly, thrfore i will nd to learn how to stand up again..
I will figure it myself how to get through this, bcoz noone can noe how it shud b, but only me and myself..

If i hv superpower, i wish to turn back time, go back to my past,n nvr cum to whr i am now..
in a way, i didnt regret cuming here, bcoz here is whr i learnt alot.. see alot different kind of people which i never get to see b4.. making a bunch of new friends and so on..
But the fact is,i cnt go back..i dun hv the power,so, i nd to kip looking forward nt backward,hoping for a happier tmr. and i hv to slowly "dissolve" it which i think is an uphill task..
I like this quote: "human must undergo sadness to grow"..
I think i grew up alot this month.. i min reali alot..

helplessly,
~carolyn~
='(

对你好的人，不一定是好人。

Hurtful

Love hurts, or I should defined it as truth hurt..
nothing to do with any1, is juz my random thoughts again..
Im sorry, i lied that i will nvr think bout it..
I guess u know that, but I duno why im asking for the truth.. i juz randomly wanted to know so much at that moment..
But somehow, i can stop guessing... I dun hv to guess n make my own hypothesis nymore... anyway, hypothesis accepted..

I duno how much time you need in order to "digest" it, and i duno whether can you totally forget it or not, n at the same time, I duno how long can i stay "cool" like that..
i guess this is juz a starting point.. evry story has it's climax rite, .. thrfore, I blieve it has more to come..
the sweetest moment in my life, n the bitterest moment in my life at this moment, i tasted it all in juz a short period of time.. i nvr say whole life, i min 18 yrs oni..
Will I hv any more sweet moment in the future? n the bitter wan izit the bitterest wan i rdy had? i nvr know..
Actually i duno lor, izit bitter anot? mayb bitter sweet, or soursweet or bittersour ke? sigh..

when i to start think with my mind, i juz non-stop asking myself that, do i owe them in my last life? what've i did to them?
Why everything related juz lk in a circle? I couldn't understand..
I feel suffocated liao.. how nice, if evrything can start from the begining again.. n i guess i noe what i suppose to do, n what i shud nvr do or try...

or i shud Let It Go...

Random

Things just kip spinning on my mind.. I couldn't get it off.. Why?

But at least, I feel better than the 1st week lor..

During that week, I feel im reli lost that I cudn't even find my way back to my own..

I kip my mouth shut lk got gold inside.. I talk until so damn teruk sarcastic..

I fake my laugh until my kawan oso noe.. I oso cannot stand myself.. Therefore, i oweys cry, hope to feel better the nxt day.. It does work at times..

But I've cut down on thinking of that, by doin other things ( i rdy did try le).. lk eating sushi !! yum yum.. n i kisiao wan lor, got room dunwan slp, i walk til the last block thr n slp.. but i've fun.. hahahaha..

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When Im damn gila playing dy, suddenly I stop n think a few second... So, not me edy.. huhu..

For last time, i wud bla my problems to Amrit n Bernard.. But nw both oso form 6, vry bz.. wuwuwu.. Maybe bla-ing to them and they would gv me a time to laugh with their lame jokes.. hahaha.. especially amrit the clown..

But bla-ing to Jon is oso a gud choice..although no lame jokes, but i got advice... But sumtimes, not i dun1 to tell u, but bcoz they are sum1 u noe too.. U will hv difficulties telling me oso.. Both oso u wana care for, I know..

But anyhow, I oso tell u rdy.. =)

Yesterday ar, my dad saw my pic in my purse.. fuhh.. half dead mann.. ask me sumore, n i lied.. i can go TVB jadi actress dy la, haha..

i lied twice yday.. I said i go study at friend's hse, but actually I went and study with Jon at Starbuck.. fuhhseh.. u see kids today like carolyn, sungguh pandai berbohong oo.. But, i go n study ma, not go n play bowling oso rite..hehehe..

At least, i get to revise my MATHS --SERIES... n sum bio, gaseous exchange..

How bout u ar Jon? did u manage to get sumthing into ur mind? I reli hope you did..

my dad wait at balcony thr see i cum bk with hu, i guess ler.. luckily i drive myself.. fyi, he dun even noe i drive the car away.. aiyo..

Oh ya, yday i think i lost rm 50.. I oweys lost money.. when only i will chnge this "giving money" attitude? no wonder i oweys so broke la.. bcoz i gv money away alot.. But, i rmb i put in inside my purse de.. But bo liao eh...

I noe the value of money wan.. I noe how hard is it to earn a penny.. Although I like to buy buy things,shop shop ar, but mum n dad, i assured u when i grow up, i will treasured my money, n buy what is necessary only as what u all taught me.. but eventhough i lk to buy, i didnt buy those padini clothes ar, vincci shoes ar, i din buy those branded branded thing alot lor.. =)

Sumtimes, i feel im selfish in my family.. I hardly teach my sister her homework, coz she seldom ask me.. this is bcoz i too panas baran, she scare.. i tch 1 time, she duno, den I shout at her.. vry bad wan me.. den my mum oso oweys say me.. laz time, i hardly listen la.. but now as i grew older, i started to think myself.. Yes, indeed im quite selfish.. Maybe im used to be alone b4 i had my sisters.. 4 years all by myself, n therefore a little here n thr, i hv sum selfish attitude..

My mum oweys tell me jaga my temper, dun oweys so hot temper, later my friend oso scare me dun be so kecil hati..later nxt time my boss cnt tahan me.. but kecil hati, i cnt help it... haih..

n oso accept what ppl says bout me.. wah, dis wan, from the bottom of my heart, truly,faithfully, sincerely i cnt do it YET... but not evrything oso accept la.. accept those which is fact..

but since my mum tell me lk dat, so i oso nd to make my brain think bit la, izit true ar ppl say lk dat.. maybe? n i will try to chnge..

But u noe why i dun accept?n dun chnge? Because i oweys think that, WHY do i need to chnge bcoz of other ppl? I live for myself, not for others... This is my concept in life.. I oweys think lk dat..

But yday nite, I think alone again.. Yes, im living for myself.. But this world is not only for me, so thrfore.. i cnt be so stubborn wan ma correct bo?.. Living as though the whole planet is mine.. so selfish meh.. cnt lk dat le... So, I'll try to change.. u din see wrongly la, im reli trying to change.. =)

But the process of changing needs masa lor.. how cn change in a week or two wan? man man lai ler.. haha.. I wud lk to make some changes in myself, n hopefully i will be able to find back my myself in the planet.. duno whr la wei... aiyoo..

I blieve i cn do it...

So that, my mum and dad no nd worry about me... dun nd to worry i duno how to jaga adik..

Jon might me happier? maybe...

But most importantly, i must be happy of my transformation oso..

Because still.......

I LIVE FOR MYSELF is my concept..

Prinsip aku ler.. i jz wana b nt so selfish oni, think for others a bit.. a little bit.. blek..

hahaha..if i chnge, but myself not happy, den reli useless..

1 thing i realised ar, the way parent teach their child is damn important... if u duno how to teach ur kid, there goes he/she to bcum no manners, no moral n etc..... after they reach adoloscent, lagi hard to teach.. sigh... Nxt time ar my children sekalian, i will teach properly.. hahahahaha..

my Valentine n Valentino...if nt, bring go let my mum tch la. ahahahahaha.. sampat po..

Ok la, tired of crapping.. tonite bck to inti.. but i will be happy wan.. =)

i can actually crap alot mann.. not bad........

till then

ps: jon jon jon.. ur essay i submitted at the comment there..huhu

Not that I will nvr 4g3t.. Im trying my vry best to forget bout it.. I noe tht, 5mins words will nvr beat the time v spent 2gthr. But at times, when i wana do stg, i oweys feels lk sumthing haunting me.. I cnt do dis, i cnt do tht.
will we go n eat steamboat lk laz time again? lepaking at bagan lalang again? no more "on den on" rite? if tht incident nvr happen, we will still carry on lk dat kan? anyway, im juz giving example ler.. like jia jia i wana go steamboat, den i nd to think alot times ma, cnt wan go den go nymore..

Dun u realise i oweys ask u to make decision lately? Im afraid to make any decision nymore, bcoz sum decision made doesn't involve both of us oni, but oso other ppl.. n coz of dat, the feeling came back again..

i knew that, thinking those bad moments makes me suffer.. n tht is why, i wanted to go hang out wif my friends, lk i went for sushi with them, to gv myself sum laugh.. so that i can be out of sight n out of mind of things i dun1 to see.. 没错，我在逃避。

I cnt care much how ppl think of me nymore, bcoz i reli nd a breathe.. As long as u noe what person i am, den other than tht, i wouldnt care much..I tink u wont noe tht, in class im oso breatheless, i eventhough duno which place i suppose to sit..i nd to be so fake to talk to sum ppl oso.. thats is oso 1 reason why i wana go out frm college even more.. i nd to talk so fake bcoz ppl talk to me sarcasticly, i dun feel comfortable

Sincerely, I reli hope to be the one, that u 1st meet.. be with you like how we used to be with each other b4 things happen.. gv me a little more time.. I blieve i cn find bk myself wit u by my side..

r u willing to accompany me to find myself bk? =)

anyway, thanksszz for ur advice.. i appreciate lotzz.. i will feel better as day gone by eventhough if i can't, at least i noe that there is still ppl hu care for me n im happy enuf..

sometimesss arr

sometimes ar.. im doin things that i actually dun wana do it..
n sumtimes, i dun do things that i wana do..
It's lk, duno hw 2say..
Since then... i duno how, when now i see sumthing that i reli wana sound out my ketidakpuasan, but i still hold back... Why leh?
Now talking oso gt restriction.. so sad case mann..
N we actually planned to go to seremban2 k... talk until so damn nice...
But as we think twice.. sumthing restrict it again... haih..
why isit this world so weird at times? n make me dun understand la...

n bcoz of lots of restriction n alot thing ar, caplang... U see.. i nd to do a private blog, for my own to sound out.. huhu...
Not evry1 around me cn be trusted.. They might seemss damn can trust wan la, but in the end, they might be 1 of the human hu actually the one hu betray u, or u say la sumthing lk pengintip.. u name it urself..

recently, i feel alot of up n downs... Im happy bcoz i hv my friends, n yeah.. i got this friend of mine, who willing to be friend again... Actually, we nvr talk lk bout 2 months lor... since before last sem's exam... we nvr talk not bcoz of i n the friend gt prob, it is actually gotta to with sum1 else.. sumtimes i reli duno lor.. y can relate relate until dun talk to each other wan leh..
Sumtimes, ppl are hard to judge.. eventhough their packaging is damn perfect.. But somehow, u duno wats inside.. he/she cud be 100000% perfect in front of ppl, n gv a vry good impression when u 1st see she/he.. But as day gone by, evrything gonna chnge...
People around me oso lk dAT la.. oni 1 i guess? hehehuhu...
facing diff ppl, hv diff faces...
maybe u might say, im oso lk dat..
But i can tell u im not..
up to u to judge la..

But yeah, i lk to emo.. huhu.. But who cares?
Im not happy, den i show not happy face la..
I dun feel shuang, den bu shuang face la..
Why the hell do i nd to hide?
after all, is me myself wat...
I like to show, because i dun like to tell.. That is me...

Okie, im feeling real tired of explaining myself, continue in the next secret post..
cya..

s.e.c.r.e.t no more...

The secret revealed here.. =)
Jon.. is kononnya my long lost friend.. ahahha..
I dono hw I start to likie him.. he say i chase him, i say he chase me..
But the chasing thingy is not important anymore as long as he likes me n i like him.. huhu..
He is my standard 6 classmate.. this wan i din lie.. reli wan ler.. i said he is my long lost friend, oso real wan.. bcoz reli lost long time ago..
2months together.. I bet he nvr rmb the date... he oweys say sunday sunday..
But is not sunday la my dear.. itu monday, bukan ahad.. its 3rd august.. okie.. =p

dun ask la y like him.. bcoz i terlike, so i like rdy.. u see.. bcoz he is handsome enough to me.. hahaha.. ok, cut the crap..
He has something in him, dat i like, so I like..

although sincerely speaking. he care more bout others than me.. sumtimess la... but tiba-tiba his care cum bk to me.. i oso dun understand at times.. but nvm la, in the process of reading his mind... although he is not tht kind of guy hu oweys give gf flower, present, whatever la but
its not important, bcoz all i need is just to be with him, not with his gift.. =)
but tht doesn't mean u dun nd to gv ah, i tell u ah.. hahahaha.. jk..

anyway. thanks for being my chunted bf throughout this 2 months.. although it had some sad moment in it, which i dun reli cn 4get bout it .. But i believe i will get through it with you by my side.. i sudah promise u rite.. forget bout it.. i will try my best..
ehh, not bcoz i had promise oni i forget okie.. nt u pek me..
terima kasih banyak bnyak, tht when I need help, need to do sumthing, u will oweys willing to be thr 4me.. just lk pergi do tht lost IC.. without u, i will hv to go all alone..
n yeah, oweys fetching bAck, make me reach home earlier than oweys...

=P

Outside of the tiger cage..

Hmph !!

Zoooo Negara =)



spot the cuties..thanks for the chicken.. hahahaI can !! U can, but u duno how to.. hahaha

Ice-cream... Im lovin it




Bagan lalang rox

Flipping back through those pictures we took in the past 2months...it shows that we had much happy moments compare to the sad one.. so.. i noe theres is no reason for me to oweys gv u "dark face" bcoz of those silly incident n lifeless human on earth, as i hv a little confident to make more happy moment to cover up those sad wan... =)

Sorrry for oweys making u sad, with some of my words.. Maybe some words might hurt u, which i duno.. coz u wont tell wan i noe.. thrfore, here i apologise to you..

thanksszz for ur shoulder n support all dis while, whenever im sad, feeling helpless..

Dear Mr Jon Lau,

I S2 You...

i hate

I hate I hate...
These few days im feeling lk hell..
Lk im in the wrong world, different place..
ppl seems vry awkward 2me..
especially those ppl..
I don't know why the hell that im just not able to forget bout that damn problem..
Is like sumthing bothering me okie...
I tried my vry best to 4get bout it, but I still fail to do so..
I promised him to forget bout it, but somehow somewhere, that thing still pop up in my mind without warning..
I think of breaking up.. but when I think twice, izit worth it?
The problem is not between the 2 of us..
but, it's bcoz some ppl hu loves my bf so much n scare he get cheated by me.. what the heck..(im sory if i hurt u, when i say this, my bf..)
that part was the most hurtful wan.. noone will ever noe, how the feeling is..
I dun mind what she/he says bout me.. But the sentence she/he told.. reli vry vry hurtful.. to me la..
is lk.. my bf dono his gf is dat kind of girl.. therefore.. she nd to ask sum ppl to tell him that i am tht kind of girl.. who are u to judge me? huh!?
It was like me, myself, I am CHEATING him !!..
im soooooooooooooooooooooooo... i duno hw 2 express.. the feeling of angry n hurt..
why izit there is oweys other ppl between us?
i nvr understand..

~to be continued~

cry lk nobodys business

for the 1st time, I cry lk nobody's business in inti...
I dono whats the reason 4me to cry when it's actually not a big thing to cry..
But it hurts lor.. People who dun understnd will gv me stupid idiotic words...
N im reli pissed off with that..
WHO THE SHIT HELL ARE YOU NOW?!
n my boyfriend is a soft-hearted guy.. evrything is ok for him.. eventhough he is angry or sad or watever la, he hardly show out his feeling.. but this is wat he is, what can i do besides accept?
n i hv nothing to blame on him as its reli nothing to do with him..
I saw him crying as well, i feel vry sorry...

But who understands my feeling??
My image gone ok..
Yala.. proooove la.. evry1 evry ppl ask me to proove proove proof and im tired of that word..
At the vry 1st place, why must I proove to u? who r u to me? eventhough i wana proof, is not for you idiotic specimen to see, it's my hardwork for my parent.
It's my life ok, who are you to care.?
not to say what, under my no thinking brain, i tink of breaking up.. n tis proooooved that i m a damn ez to influence ppl, n i am not strong enough.. Because of rumours n those shitty idiot on earth, i tink of breaking up liao.. so faz wan dan..
of coz i dun1 la.. but im scare rdy.. how ppl judge me when they see me? n when rumours spread to his parent, then ppl will feel lk "ehh ur son's gf i heard vry terrible girl leh.."
at tht time, not only my image gone, his image oso gone, n his parent image oso gone..
Thanks to idiotic specimen on earth..
Haih.. I hv nothing to say bside crying.. im vry sad.... but i've promise him not to think anymore..
But if u are in my place? how? hw wud u think?
You are not me, you cant understand what im thinking, whats my feeling..
I am vry Sorry..