Happie birthday Kohi !!

Chelseala !! woohoo...

Finallllllly, you turn 18... syok kan?? hehehe

Here just to wish you Happy 18th birthday..

Im sorry, coz i late to post blog.. But rite, I didn't late to sms yo.. =)

What I wanna tell you is, You are such a great n loving friend of mine, n im glad to have you as my friend...

You are 1 of them whom i can really talk to.. I still remember the times we use to gossip bout those couples during bio classss... Reading newspaper, critisisng dat cicak, cR-7 in bio lab.. go to the romantic clinic together-gether... Study chem together...

So yeah... all de best in ur future undertakings... I noe u enjoying college life, n so.. continue enjoying it, coz it's once in a lifetime experience.. ehehehe

Take care always...

Lots of love,

~carolyn~

=(

When you say, you must do it right?
Don't say, if you cannot do..
I dislike humans that gv me fake facts just to please me..
Don't have to please me, bcoz I don't worth anything.

Im not sure of what am I doin izit correct..
I do things that people wouldn't appreciate, but I don't know why I still bother to do so. I always say this, but indeed I feel SO..
I know that people will not appreciate, but still I did.. I didn't know for what reason?
I felt im useless, doing nonsence which is nt worth..
Im stupid,indeed a damn stupid girl, hving a too simple thinking.. Not that i need a return is just dat, i duno how to explain..
treat u gud, u will treat me gud? love u, u will love me? care 4u, u care 4me? belanja u, u belanja me? help u, u will help me?..
what are these? these are all stupid thinking...
all this is juz what we calllled naive..
Never think that you treat people good, they will feel it.. nvr..
NOW i blieve, In this world, nothing is always fair..
happy? I don't know what's the meaning anymore..
I tried to, but I don't get the feeling like last time..
Im happy, for a moment or a second, n i start thinking izit real again..
Smile? I can't smile like how I use to anymore..
A fake smile or a real wan? I cannot differentiate..
I feel myself is not myself..

Give and take..
Maybe i take alot, but not giving.. but seriously i dun think i take alot..
When I need someone, noone's thr..
When I need someone to lean on, I don't even know whr or who shud i go to..
No matter sad or dissappointed, I don't know how am I gonna show on my face anymore..
Perhaps, showing evry single face expression is my weakest point.. I won't do it anymore..
I have no idea what do I actually demanding for.. But evrything is just not what I want.. Maybe words frm people, had change my mind. Im always craving for truth wich is damn annoying..

I always wonder, I always think, I always suspect... I can no longer trust any1,not even myself, my choice,my thoughts n my decision..not anymore.. I dono y, but im just not convince enough..
What hv said, hv been said.. what that i noe, I knew...
There will never be a u-turn..
I feel insecure...
Im hiding myself...
Im sick and tired...
I think alot, thinking alot n alot n alot.. I can nvr know how to express..

~everlasting? nothing is permanent, I understand..~


helplessly carolyn..
goodbye

Conclusion

November it is.. December is coming in a blink of an eye.. This shows that 2009 is coming to an end..
Last yr, i dun bother much to conclude bout 2008, coz going for NS.. Totally moodless..
So, i concluding bout 2009.. briefly la..
2009 is a smooth sailing yr for me.. Boleh dikatakan begitu lah for the 1st half of the year.. n later on, it becum bittersweet.. So, conclusion it's a smooth sailing but bittersweet year...
On January,
I was stuck in Rachado Bay Camp, port dickson.. for the 1st 2 weeks, I cry all day long, complaining bout food, bed, got ghost, those malay vry mafan, and etc.. I feeel like go college and start studies... crying evry nite, n calling home evry single free moment..
But as day passes, I slowly adapt to the sucking environment whr thr is oweys no electricity and water supply.. sigh.. n end of January i get to go back home coz it's CNY.. yeah !!
On February stuck thr whole month... marching, physical exercisesss,classes and Shooting.. wah... syok betul.. Nothing much le.. I learn how to wash clothess.. whee..

On March, I final get to see the society again. Im officially free, but i need to bear with spm result.. I am satisfied with it, because the effort i put in deserve that result..
Although it's not a dozen of A1s, but at least it is an acceptable result.. March was so so.. evrything quite messy, searching for coll and all, surveying, bla bla bla..

On April, Rot at home whole month... Did nothing throughout the 30 days.. Bored like anything..
Nothing much on April..

On May, enter a new chapter of life.. cn be consider la.. enter Inti college...
Quiet and peaceful place... Meet alot of old friends, coz alot ppl goes thr I duno why.. hehe..
started college n found tht it's quite challenging.. something new.. nice.. =)

On June, same bz with chem bio maths.. n then yeah.. go for the children camp 5, basically im not the children la okie, the faci.. dont salah faham..
So yeah, i learn how 2 appreciate my parent, coz tht camp are mainly for orphanage..
Mixing around with them, makes me feel that im actually not tht mature like some of them..

On July, exam near rdy la.. start sum study.. abit oni.. actualli lk x study oni.. haha.. n yeah.. bcum the Leo Mission thingy punya committee,programme master.. I sucks...
Eventhough it sucks, but i learnt something.. n I hv fun in that long-time-never-visit petrosains..
Damn jakun... ohya, I donate blood.. A record for myself, the 1st time i donated my BLOOD... wuwuwu... not pain lah.. hehe..

Blood donation

On August, Finalss starts... 3rd of aug, the start of challenging thing..
I duno wat i did in my finals... It's oni for me to pass..... Receive result, =(
Sem break...
Went to Sabah... Damn lousy trip... I min the place is lousy.. I dun likie it, but still an outing with my family...

On September, Inti whole month.. 2nd sem starts...
the 17th of sept, i oweys rmb..
Went to Leo Mission, to the Zoo.. NAtional zoo whahahaa.. clean the tiger cage, nice experience..
I be friend with lion n it's wife...

On October, a month that never ever I can easily forget..
I encounter something that I never had in my whole 18 years of life..
I cried alot, but it never helps.. I hide my true self n start faking around..
I get to know things that I shouldnt know..
I felt helpless.. I need to see ppl that I dun like,do things in a worrying mode.

On November, which is now, Im trying hard to go back to the right track..But it seems hard..
Hopefully I can..
Exam is around the corner, i need to do better than last sem.. A promise not oni to my family n you, but myself..

December will be in 10 days time.. I hoping for a great one.. Im goin Genting with my college friends.. With them, I think it will be nicee.. Hopefully this trip can be a happy n vry fun wan... A trip with friends to mark an end of the year 2009.. It will be great..

a post

I don't know what to say or to do bsides crying.. Besides crying, what more I can do?
All in all, everything seems not right, not in the right track..
Things comes 1 by 1 which i don't know how shall I react..
This is just the beginning, but it turn out to be like this..
Maybe I myself think too much..
Anyhow, I can't stay like that forever but to move on..
But when can I move on?
I will move on, when my heart finally understands...

Again..

I start thinking back again... wth... it brings back that day's scene again after the dinner...The time that i almost forget bout it, they reminds me again... why why why?
:'(
im scared tht i will not be able to forget bout it...
Im worry that i hv psycology problem.. I dun1 go see psychiatrist... I dun1 bcum crazy... I very scare...
I can't stop thinking since tht day.. I dun1 think, but i still think...
i scare i bcum crazy, abnormal mental thinking,bcum gila...
I dun1..I dun1
But duno y cnt stop wan, the words kip goin on my mind whenever i wana plan activities...

sad n depressing carol signing off..

To you

I doesn't noe that yday's conversation will actually make u tink so much.. Im not that silly to sacrifice my sleeping time to blog bout my bo song ness. Sometimes, I also duno how to explain myself to you.. I just want somebody to talk to.. tell me some words to make myself laugh... Maybe u are trying to do so, but i hv the wrong concept of it..
The moment you tell me that, what i have in mind, is only that u r helping her, i hv no idea why...n i just voice out.. as u noe, i nvr think b4 i talk, i just talk what is on my mind... i relli feel u r helpin, so, thrfore i juz telll..

ThT eating example, isn't that a standard respond? evry gal would gv same respond, arent they?
n ur ur aunt example, what i wanna say is, "you think le, you guy wat"..
i min 男生是保护女生的，therefore u shall tink.. something lk dat... I shud write "you planner" to avoid misunderstand..
I know my talking attitude sucks, but im trying to control.. at least, i din show bo song face to them.. step by step,i will go.... can I?

I tink yday i hurt you, coz u said you sad... bcoz of my talking attitude perhaps...
Btw, blaming? you min I blame them izit? alright... maybe i did...
I will still carry out with my plan... nothing to worry...
I will get it done tonite..
k, go class 1st... later oni talk..
what i wana tell you is, Im not thr to hurt you yday, my mood reli sucks.. I noe i shudn't throw nything to you... But, still it is how am I.. changing needs time....
n do u really feel that im exacly like ur aunt bcoz yday i said i dun 1 to listen to you?
last but not least,I am real sorry...

Surprisingly

I never thought I will do so.. I hv no idea why am I going thr... Eventhough how hard my heart doesn't wanna go, but stilll I drag myself to go.. I hv test the nxt day n im hving study with my friends.. but still she insist me to go... OK LAH, old ppl calllll..... If nt, ppl might say I da pai.. My friends even wants to go with me.. n i thank them for sayanging me.. =)
I go, is not bcoz that i wanna clearify myself or anything, n of coz not bcoz of wanna gv her face.. like duh... gv face? I vomite. n not bcoz i wana save my $$.
It's because, I dun1 her to think that my mum doesn't noe how to teach daughter, hav a no manners daughter.. I will feel sorry for my mummy..

Sincerely. I feel vry uncomfortable. sitting and eating on a same round table, with people that I hv issue with.. like wth... Eventhough with my friend, my not reli close fren, but still fren, I dun sit on the same table, but now.. see lah... I cnt even believe i went for it.. shit..
I felt vry miserable, like im lost in the space or somewhere.. AT that moment, i really wana finish up my food fast to leave there... I cnt wait to go back.. sigh

Thank god, i can control myself n keep my mouth shut, n not voice out some unpleasant words/sentence.. In a few min, I feel like asking her.. walao weh... But later, evrything goes up the wall, n im dead once again... Sitting thr with them, brings back all the "SWEET MEMORIESSSSSSSSSSSS" they gave me one month ago.. I feel reli suffocated...I reli feel lk frowning at her when she look at me, i dun wana look into the eyes oso.. I couldn't do anything, but to pretend.. I have no selera to eat.. But what to do? still i hv to swallow, if not ppl say i waste food.. although i ate, but tasteless as im nt enjoying.. Food is to njoy..

Then, at night after studyin... off we go to burger.. we finish off our study early.. all pro story teller, vry fast we finish revising..
today test le.. hahahehe.. bio... i duno how much i will get. i juz hope for the best...
But i tried my best, im happie.. thanks to all my friends.. muackss

confusion

I don't really know how do i feel.. I don't exactly understand what I want..
Does the things I've now is all I want?
Am I now behaving like how I used to be?
sometimes it is so confusing...

I feel like giving up, but when i starts to think, I think I shoudn't as this might hurts people around me..
Im confuse bout everything..
How cum I can be sad bcoz of little minor things?
Why nowadays my tears flow easily?
I guess Im no longer tough lk how i use to be..
Not the surrounding is changing, maybe yes a little,
but 1 thing im still confused a little, am I the one who is changing?
Maybe I changed alot and im not well aware..
i think i've changed.. that is why i feel so confusing as i feel that im oweys unhappy n hard to satisfied...

Life is full of fun and laughter, and I dun feel that i had the laughter... Just say that Im greedy, im not ez to satisfy.. n Im confuse again, why im like that.. wth..
Where am I??..
Im lost in nowhere..
I don't know all choice made by me isit the right wan?
What I did izit the correct thing?
What im demanding for isit im must hv it?
I noe im lucky than alot of people, but still i hv -ve thinking...
now there's ntg to do with pms or whatsoever, i noe it's my own problem..
i duno how am I gonna handle things well..
The past was beautiful, but I know it's not possible anymore..

Amrit... i vry sad...
i duno what's wrong going on with me...
I duno how 2 bcum nylorac rdy..
but i noe u care 4me.. thank you..

Jon.. I wana ask u.. i 野蛮 not?? I mafan anot? u sanfu anot with me?
What I am to you?? can you tell me?..
a sincere ans...


ps: i noe my mum don't read dis, but anyway, happy birthday mum.
I love you always..

untitled

i think i blog here more than the open blog.. why huh?
bcoz i got alot of secret...
Finalssz in 1 months time, i tink exactly a month... n i hvent finish revising..
I guess shud be ok wan if evryday belajar.. But the problem is my laziness cell kip developing.. haih.. On the other hand, i dun hv the mood to properly look into the notes... n txtbooks..
Sometimes, i was wondering what am i doing ar?
When im in the room alone, I felt like so empty n so i starts to wonder what am i suppose to do..
what are my plans for the future.. pheww.. jauhnya pemikiran saya...

nowadays im damn duno how 2say la, u wana say emo ar, dun la.. wana say mei shi mei shi, oso cnt la...
Actually, i wanted to know ar, what's the meaning of friends ar? what is friendship all about? i trust my friends, but sumtimes you just couldn't give all your trust to them because you don't know is he/she ur true friend... I duno who is true and who is not.. But slowly, i would figure it out.. 1 thing, nvr expect me to treat you real, if you yourself is not..

n yeah, whats the different between love and friendship?
which wan is more important?


"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved"
~George Sand~

A dream bout You and Me

i shall blog it before i forget.. Im trying hard to recall bk =)
Yesterday nite, i dreamt about You..
the story goes...
You purposely wakeup damn early, to sms me to take care when im on d way back to campus..
n i didnt replied ur sms..
Consequently, u went and post on my fcbook wall.. telling me the steps to take care too..yes, step by step..
what i rmb was.. "carry ur laptop properly", "dun bother alot bout strangers", " when u rch edy, call me" got alot sumore, but i forgotten..
sms x reply, but on fcbook post oo.. weird dream it is..
But i know, at tht moment im touched by your action...
In the end, when I woke up, i felt sum liquid flowing out of my eyes.. But I realised dat it was juz a dream... n thats all for it..

How sweet will it be if it's reality..

3 monthszz

To my dearest 王子:

Happy 3 monthsss leng chai
I know, leng lui's opposite is leng chai..
Not bad, at least u rmb.. but oso bcoz i educate u wan.. hmmph..right or not?teehee..
u said u vry cha rite?...
Sincerely, you no creativity wan lor.. But,in the process of learning, it takes times.. slowly, bit by bit la.. im not patience but learning to be one..

Surprise is anything...Do u know?.. sumtimes $$ can't buy surprise oso.. you ownself think la.. thing tht i taught u b4 can be surprise tooo...
the pencil box u wana buy rite, whr gt ppl ask buy wich wan or buy wat wan?
must ownself think ma...
anything u buy, i'll like..
I watch alot drama, u cn go learn frm there la, u so free, ntg to do.. =)
Anyway, ups and downs we get through together throughout the month, n im glad that evrything turns to be better now..at least not lk how 1st 1st lk dat..
As time passes, i hope it will be better n better lar..
The 4 things.. I hope u can make it n i noe u can.. I hv faith in u..
take care tooo.. dun slp onia.. hehe...
Thanks for your iceeee..
vry cooling..


till then..
with S2,
~carolyn~..

cnt express/cnt complain properly

I hardly can express what i wana express..I hv difficulties in complaining..
I noe i love to complain...
emo-nyer...
Maybe the environment prob.. gosh.. blame environment pulak..
i juz feel tht sumtimes when i wana complain, i also felt lazy.. bcoz noone wud ever understand, sebaliknya, ppl wud hate you even more.. this is reality..
So, why not just kip the mouth shut, and watch..
pheww.. ppl wudn't appreciate, n thrfore, we dun hv to waste time to go care... time is gold...
damn sickening la weyh...
cnt just stop those sickening action ar? other ppl oso can feel.. why can't you?
Or maybe u are pretending, i don't know..
i know i am sarcastic at times.. But so what?
don't u realise u are doin the same thing?
Think 1st, why I wana be sarcastic in the 1st place?

Don't ask, Don't think, Don't bother...